Single Sundays: Nightlight: A Parody by the Harvard Lampoon

Synopsis (from Goodreads.com):
About three things I was absolutely certain.
First, Edwart was most likely my soul mate, maybe.
Second, there was a vampire part of him–which I assumed was wildly out of his control–that wanted me dead.
And third, I unconditionally, irrevocably, impenetrably, heterogeneously, gynecologically, and disreputably wished he had kissed me.